Distance not so distant...

I believe it is said in the Holy Bible that with great love sometimes may come great pain. The greatest love I've ever shared on this earth--and trust me if you knew my life story you would know that I do not make this proclomation of love carelessly or without the deepest conviction in my heart--is with my Claudia. Most who know us are aware that for the present time, although we are planning our wedding as quickly as possible, we live almost 1500 miles apart and have had to learn to carefully manage the distance aspect of our relationship which although it seems like it might be something easy to do, it is not always.

One of several reasons that I know I want to marry her is the fact that my heart longs to be with her every day in every aspect of each other's lives which the distance prevents for now. I've never had anyone who I wanted to share every little--even insignificant--detail of my day with and that I wanted to know every little detail of her daily life and what she is doing. Well the distance prevents being together easily or without elaborately planned travel. I am grateful we have managed to get so much time together the last 6 months (actually our actual time spent together collectively since mid-December totals about 11 weeks, but even after spending as long as three weeks at one time with her in May, when it comes time to depart from her for a while yet once again--which always seems to come up all too soon--it just never seems to be enough time together.

My heart will mourn for about 2 days after I depart from her--and I mean it seems to go through all the stages of mourning the death of someone, although not as deep or long-lasting of mourning death but certainly analogous in some of the feelings for a day or two--denial, sometimes anger or depression, and so on. It is pure bliss to be together with her, our conversations are endless, our lives are just a "fit" when we are together, but departing and going back to my daily life without her in close proximity is such an empty feeling sometimes. It's easy to sometimes get confused, frustrated to seek and find and feel some connection with her when we are apart; sometimes I feel like a drowning man groping for yet something else to let me connect with her and breathe again.

Sometimes the hardest aspect of being apart is wanting to be there for her during a hard time she might be having or on those days when things just don't go right, and yet only having the phone and my words to comfort her when it would actually be best to hold her in silence and let her look into my eyes that tell her more than any words "I love you, I'm always here for you" , also I find myself longing deeply to take her out on Saturday nights like a regular date of young couples our age, wanting to be there with her visiting or hanging out with her close friends & family who have become quite close to me in the last 6 months.

Amazingly, the happy part of all this is how we are managing to minimize the hardships of the distance. We are definitely soul mates...as she knows how to nurture away the hurt or loneliness I feel sometimes when I'm not with her and she knows I'm missing her extra badly by perhaps sending me a text message to tell me in always some new and special way how she loves me and is thinking of me, sharing things she is doing and as much as possible with messages and phone calls, she puts a lot of effort into making me feel included in every aspect of her life or whatever she is doing, she always works hard to make me feel like I am right there or out with her, welcomed and completely included in every part of her life. I love her smiling voice, her words of reassurance to me.

THANK YOU CLAUDIA FOR GIVING TO ME AND UNDERSTANDING ME SO MUCH IN WAYS THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS OR EVER COULD AND FOR LOVING ME WITH YOUR WHOLE HEART AND ALWAYS LETTING ME KNOW THIS. FOR ALWAYS MAKING ME FEEL LOVED EVEN DURING THOSE TIMES WHEN I GET FRUSTRATED WITH BEING APART FROM YOU AND WHEN WORDS ARE ALL WE CAN SHARE, I FEEL YOU LOVE ME WITH A LOVE THAT TRANSCENDS ALL TIME & DISTANCE...TE AMO PARA SIEMPRE MI AMOR...

Two restless hearts...sleep alone tonight,

sending all our love along the wire...

Through space and time, we find yet another "goodbye"

then wondering where I am, lost without you.

And being apart aint easy on this love affair,

two strangers learn to fall in love again

I get the joy of rediscovering you..

OH GIRL, YOU STAND BY ME BECAUSE I'M FOREVER YOURS...

FAITHFULLY

Why I love you my Claudia...

I want to first say how much I love you all--I mean all of Claudia's friends and family (and mine) who read this. Thank you for your friendship and accepting me and loving me like a family member too. I know everyone knows how Claudia and I feel about each other, how in love we are and how we will marry with you all there to witness and share in that day with us. I have found that planning a wedding can be a challenge. Even scary at times :-) especially when things cost so much and we are beginning to face this together this summer finding and paying for things for our wedding to make this once-in-a-lifetime wedding a most grand and beautiful day for Claudia and I.

Last night I awoke for a time with some worry once again about all this unable to sleep focused on my fears and worries and I began to pray. I found a deep peace and began to feel that I should focus instead on what is really important--simply my love for Claudia; I began to feel like God was telling me "Why are you so focused on worrying about such insignificant things (meaning insignificant to God's power, not meaning that the wedding is "insignificant") when the love you share with this woman is priceless? Have I (God) ever failed to provide ways for you to do anything you need and ask from me in the name of Jesus?"--by the way, I don't know why I ever worry and let worrying about anything affect and even on occasion act as a poison in my life and relationships. I mean when I hold onto that worry, it begins to manifest itself and express itself in negative ways that are even totally unrelated to the original issue or cause of worrying!-- Like I start getting upset about other silly things and then sometimes say things I don't mean at all. Focus on deep worry becomes a poison that bubbles up and attempts to pollute the beautiful aspects of one's heart and spirit. I can tell you from my studies in physiology too that excessive worry and stress is INCREDIBLY destructive to the whole body and is one of the biggest causes of serious & chronic physical illnesses and so many more health problems.

God actually is very clear to us in the Bible that we are not to focus heavily on our worries because he promises to take care of us, ESPECIALLY when something seems to be overwhelming to us is where his power is most perfect. So although God gives us some power or ability to create pretty grand things on our own or fix our problems with the brains & tools he gave us, when something is beyond what we can do, we are not to worry about it but just pray and surrender it all to Jesus who still bears the cross for us. I will tell you there is the deepest peace you have ever felt when you get on your knees and ask Jesus to take your fears, your worries and burdens away and surrender your life yet once again to him and tell him especially: "I trust you with my life and my relationship with Claudia"

Anyway, I wanted to let Claudia know how sorry I am for the things I sometimes say and I don't mean at all when I'm stressed and worried and when things don't go exactly my way and I get upset and impatient because of misunderstandings--which are a part of life and making plans. More than anything I guess I have been so worried that I won't be able to make her day as perfect as she pictures and this worry creates a poison in me...but I let go of this worry this fear THIS DAY; I have a blessed assurance now that I won't let go of knowing that God is going to see us through everything, one day at a time and I want you to know that I see and know that everything we plan is going to work out because God is our #1 wedding coordinator :-)

To all those whom Claudia and I love, I want you to know that we have our dream church reserved for us on April 18th, 2009 and a fantastic & beautiful reception hall also found and reserved last week--Claudia and I both have very high quality expectations, and this reception hall truthfully exceeds what we both dreamed we could get on our budget thanks to our wonderful wedding coordinaters who were able to get us this extremely desired location place at nearly half its normal price. Second only to each other, we look forward to seeing you all there that day and fellowship with you.

Although I took my time writing my version of "Why I Love You" in response to Claudia's same writing way back in April :-) here it is finally...and of course this part of the writing entirely belongs to her :-) although everyone else is welcome to read it. Thank you everyone for being in our lives and giving Claudia and I so much support and wonderful wishes. I LOVE YOU ALL! Thank you God for giving us all you have provided us and will provide us for this wedding and our lives...In JESUS' Holy name we receive this and know this.

POR QUE TE AMO CLAUDIA

I love you because I can give your life so much more than you would have on your own and you do the same for me. I love you because when I pray with you, I know and feel Jesus is there with his arms around us protecting us and letting us know he brought us together in love. I love you because you have seen me at my absolute worst sometimes when I'm upset and yet it never shakes your love for me, and the pathway of our love we walk together does not change course. I love you because your family and friends accept me and love me so deeply too. I love you because like me you know that love and loving is a choice and not some random combination of mere feelings which may change over time. I love you because you are very strong in spirit, intellect, and your whole self and yet you are simultaneously vulnerable to me to let me know and feel how much you need me in your life in every way. I love you because you share your culture with me. I love you because you fit so perfectly in my arms and your "nook". I love you because the richest memories of my life are all those shared with you since that October afternoon in 2007... I love you because you are the answer to every prayer I offered, every wish I ever asked. I love you because you came at the perfect time in my life when we were both ready to accept and fully realize what God gave us in each other. I love you because the picture I have in my heart of you walking to me down the aisle on our wedding day in your beautiful gown and saying our vows in front of God and everyone we love is the most beautiful, sacred scene I have ever been able to envision in my entire life. I love you because our love creates miracles. I love you because together we always find a way through anything difficult and we forget and forgive each other's shortcomings that may emerge when we face something difficult. I love you because we learn during these hard times and improve ourselves and improve the way we deal with each other and challenges faced together. I love you because when I met you for the first time that day in December, you were then and always will be my Christmas miracle. I love you because only I can touch the depths of your heart & soul, and the same is true for you being the only one who can touch me the same way. I love you because I am the man who is everything you say you wrote down on a list of what you wanted and then I appeared a short time later--let me assure you that even though I did not make a written list, you are this in the same way to me. I love you because seeing you play with children is also one of my most precious pictures in my heart. I love you because when I get upset about some silly thing, you know how to distract me with humor or tickle me to lighten me up and make me laugh. Of course I can go on and on as well, and perhaps I will continue this list but I want to say...

TE AMO MUCHISIMO PARA SIEMPRE MI AMOR CLAUDIA...